I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
