Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
