Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
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I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
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This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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