grandma shit on top of the toilet
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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