He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If I die, sorry about rent.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
