She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
porn star boner night. come get it.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
