Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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