i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
