You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
