I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
