I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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