Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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