Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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