My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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