Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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