I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
