The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
