good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
