I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My vagina just recognized that song.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
