Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
