just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
