he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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