I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
