He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
