Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
