I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
