I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
