my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Hippo gnu deer
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
