There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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