We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
So vagazzling was a success
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
