I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
