Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
