I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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