...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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