Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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