She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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