i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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