We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
