Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
