i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
