If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
