I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I want to be your penis for a week.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
