your parents love me but you hate me
he shaved USA in his pubs
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Randomize
