he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
