Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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