we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
