and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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