im having a threesome with these popsicles
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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