the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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