I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
