I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
