Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
