Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Randomize
