I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
