good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
